Recognising the many layers of grief that can emerge in perimenopause
Perimenopause can be a time of enormous change and upheaval, and it affects us all differently.
The same could be said about bereavement when you think about it.
It’s not hard to imagine what happens when these two states collide – a rollercoaster of overwhelming emotions, high stress and exhaustion.
Grief isn’t exclusive
Like ‘bereavement’, the word ‘grief’ is commonly used exclusively in the context of death – intense sorrow brought about by a loved one dying.
Grief is a response to any loss though, not just death. Since loss is an inevitable part of life, it follows that whether we’re aware of it or not, we grieve in different ways all the time.
In perimenopause we stand on the threshold of a new phase of our lives, very often emerging as a new version of ourselves.
Given the very nature of this huge transition, grief can surface on many different levels – for what we are losing or for what we never had.
If we only think of grief as being relevant when someone dies, there’s a risk that the layers of this perimenopausal grief will fall under our radar.
Feelings of loss are painful, but even more so when they’re left unexpressed.
It’s important to understand what might trigger feelings of grief in perimenopause so we’re better able to recognise them and take steps to look after ourselves.
Layers of grief
Outlined below are a few different areas that commonly trigger feelings of loss. It’s not an exhaustive list and your experience may of course be different.
Grief for your body
Fluctuating levels of hormones can cause all kinds of changes to our bodies in perimenopause – weight gain, joint pain, vaginal dryness and hot flushes are just a few of the common symptoms.
Overall there can be a sense that are bodies are no longer our own.
It’s common to find that weight management strategies you’ve used for years don’t work anymore, or you don’t have the same stamina to maintain your usual exercise regime. Injury can become more of a problem and recovery takes longer.
If you suddenly feel like an alien has taken over your body, it can be helpful to remember that perimenopause is akin to adolescence – you made it through the transition back then and you will again!
Grief for your fertility
For being unable to have children – infertility is very common and not being able to have children can be a huge loss to come to terms with.
For the children you didn’t have – perhaps you weren’t able to have the number of children you wanted, or you feel disappointed because you only had boys or girls. These can be uncomfortable feelings to admit - especially if you’ve experienced baby loss or infertility – but it’s important to acknowledge them.
For your babies that didn’t make it - if you’ve experienced baby loss at any stage, you may feel renewed grief for these losses in perimenopause. This has certainly been the case for me. I’ve felt a resurgence of grief for my 3 early miscarriages which I realise were somewhat overshadowed by the ‘headline’ deaths of my two sons at later stages of pregnancy.
For your fertile years ending - even when we're well past wanting to have any more children, there can be a sadness in the fact that it’s biologically no longer possible.
Grief for your menstrual cycle
You might be thinking how on earth can this be a trigger for grief - you can’t wait to be shot of your periods and menopause will be a day of utter joy and relief!
Don’t be surprised though if you feel sad when your periods start to change or become less frequent. However we’ve experienced it, our menstrual cycle is an anchor.
While there mightn’t be much joy in having to deal with periods, the realisation that they’re coming to an end and you have no control over that can trigger feelings of loss.
Grief for your loved ones
For parents - either following the death of a parent or anticipatory grief for a parent who is chronically ill. If both your parents have died you may be experiencing additional feelings of loss.
For your children’s childhood - empty nest syndrome is well documented, but even before your children leave home you might be feeling sad about their childhood coming to an end. There can be a sense of loss of purpose and identity as children become more independent, particularly if you don’t have a close relationship anymore.
Processing emotions
Here are 4 steps I find helpful for processing emotions that come up, including grief:
Recognise it – try to make time to sit quietly with yourself regularly, it’s the best way to become aware of how you’re really doing. Awareness is always the first step.
Name it – try to give a name to what you’re feeling, for example “I’m sad I didn’t get to experience what it would be like to have a daughter.” Remember no-one has to have died for you to feel grief. However uncomfortable it is, whatever you feel is valid.
Feel it – let whatever you’re feeling be there and make space in your life for it. Feelings won’t stay forever but if we push them away they’re likely to resurface later on.
Release it – in my experience this happens naturally as a result of the first 3 steps. Trying to let go of an emotion before you’ve named it and felt it is a struggle.
Grieving is hard, but it’s a normal part of the unsettling process of our perimenopausal transformation.
Recognising grief when it emerges and giving expression to what we truly feel can help us feel less burdened.
It’s an opportunity to understand ourselves better and make sure unexpressed emotions don’t hold us back in the next phase of our lives.
Homeopathy works gently and deeply and can support you through whatever you’re experiencing in perimenopause.
If you’d like to explore how I could help, do get in touch - you can send me an email or book a free call with me:
Further reading
https://www.clairejosephhomeopathy.co.uk/blog/getting-to-grips-with-the-menopause-metamorphosis
https://www.clairejosephhomeopathy.co.uk/blog/how-to-make-space-for-grief-and-loss
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